I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize