I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
