I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
