I think I am morally bankrupt
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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