I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
