I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
