I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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