Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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