Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize