someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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