meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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