My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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