do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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