Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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