Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize