Someone shit on the floor
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
