Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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