I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
