My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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