The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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