She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
