Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
