guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
