I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
