I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
