haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my mouth tastes like poor choices
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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