I should be sponsored by Trojan
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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