I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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