I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
