Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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