Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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