is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
