My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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