Is it normal to miss your booty call?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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