remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She announced her abortion via fbk
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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