she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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