You made me cry and you don't even care
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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