i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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