My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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