When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
