i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
