she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
