The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
