They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
