I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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