He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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