he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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