i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
