I wish I could teleport
My liver just broke up with me...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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