what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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