It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
