i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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