so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
