i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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