so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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