You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
