On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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