My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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