I accidentally had phone sex last night
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
